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| We're gone | Well, there goes everything down the drain. Fuck the compromise, as he wrote in the subject of one of my e-mails. It is no more. Apparently him waiting for ONLY THREE MONTHS for me to finish some classes at the college, for me to heal myself here was ASKING TOO MUCH. Is that too much, folks? I know it's not too long to keep love there, to keep faith and hope, because I've done it. I did it for more than two years with Andrew. I know it's possible, and I know that feelings can be there JUST as strongly. I know it's possible beacuse SO many other military families do it all the time. It's a part of life. Also a part of life that Adam knows will happen anyway, so why is he balking this time? I know that this situation started because of my bad decision - and I've apologized for that - multiple times. I've acknowledged it. What more can I do about it? Well, the answer to that, my friends, is to go back anyway. Quit the classes that my dad put the faith in me to finish (I had a bad track record there for a couple semesters) and pay for it - give me an advance on the money - and let me go to classes. It is EXTREMELY important to me that I show him, and my mother too, that I can do this, that I am capable of completing something. Not go to the Bible study that I have set up with someone I trust will help me with my problems. Not go see the psychiatrist that I NEED to go see, because of ALL the things that have happened to me. Not go work out with my family, which I needed to do for a long time. Not heal my wounds that have been gaping for some time. And this is just salt in my wounds. He doesn't want to marry me anymore. He doesn't even want to be engaged. He go on MY ass for wanting to help myself - to make good choices for myself for ONCE- and he says he doesn't want ot marry me now. I understand the indescribable pain he was talking about when I did this to him. Some of you might say tit for tat. What can I say to that? But when he said that I could stay here for three months, finish my college, heal myself, then I could come home, it was like a weight had been lifted from my heart. I was HAPPY. I felt good, I felt optimistic about everything. I hadn't felt that way in months. And it lasted about a day, and now he tells me that he can't do this, that he can't handle being apart for three months, that he doesn't want to get married, and in fact, he doesn't even want to be engaged anymore. He doesn't think that I want to stay here and heal because it's MY idea, he thinks it's my mother's idea. He doesn't think that I am capable of making a single good decision by myself. I just cannot even describe how upset I am about this, and I can't even bring it to a close, I think. He fought for me all this time, and he forgave me so many times, and now, AFTER he agreed that this was something we could do, he says no and completely blows us to pieces because of what his heart was afraid of, and he made a reality in his head. I can't even type I'm so angry, and I wish that I could just shake him and make him listen, but I can't. We're gone. I feel so broken and empty. So lonely. So hopeless. We're gone. | last five entries | Freedom - October 13, 2005 |